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No Guarantee but Grace

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I awakened abstinent today, clearheaded and present. Wow. Another day, G-d! It’s a far cry from the hangover of a binge.

I call my caring sponsor each morning at 7 a.m. to commit to myself, to her, and to the G-d of my understanding my three planned, delicious, abundant meals. When I write down and prepare my meals, it sets the tone for the day because I don’t eat between my meals or make any food changes whatsoever—no ifs, buts, or maybes. Radical? Perhaps, but it works if I work it. Abstinence and G-d are the most fundamental aspects of my life today. Without them, I am a mere spectator in an excuse of a life.

There’s nothing more I have to do except stay close to my kind and loving sponsor and other fellows in the program and, slowly but surely, work the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, one day at a time. Before each meal, I’ll say a prayer: “Thank you, L-rd, for the delicious, nutritious, and abundant meal before me. I know that it is enough and never too much. Amen.”

It’s true for me: nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels. The tasteless bags of junk I used to consume in scary amounts never filled the gaping hole in my soul, but they certainly and rapidly emptied my purse as I frequented convenience stores, drive-throughs, and coffee shops. Now, I have a daily reprieve from the clutches of a dangerous illness, so I plan to keep taking my “medication” just for today.

My body temperature has been feeling colder since beginning this blessed abstinence on January 1, 2017, so in cooler weather I wear more layers, and I drink warm water and herbal tea between my meals. Previously, I couldn’t deal with wearing extra layers of clothing on my cumbersome body, but it is a necessity today even though I am still obese.

Today, thoughts and feelings over whelm me. I used to blot them out with food, but now they’re in my head and heart. For me, fat was my coat of armor that kept the rest of world at bay. Morbid obesity made me totally insignificant and invisible somehow despite my large stature. It also made me “honest” because it put my disease and compulsion on show for all to see.

What was my life then? I was crawling on my knees. I was as depressed and desperate as only the dying can be, an addict of the hopeless variety, lower than the doormat, living to eat.

What is my life like today? I’m still on my knees, but now it’s in gratitude. I am hopeful and willing. I’m still a compulsive overeater (in huge, neon, flashing letters) and addict, but lighter in mind, body, and spirit. I’m a spirit feeling the human experience. I’m eating to live.

Is it easy? No. But many others came before me to lead and show me the way—yay! So, here’s wishing you an abstinent day! There are no guarantees, just amazing grace.

— Anonymous, Johannesburg, South Africa

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