As I Am

I feel really connected to my God most of the time. And every so often, out of the blue, I get a message that moves my program and my recovery forward in leaps and bounds. It happened again yesterday while I was attending a marathon.

At one point, we were invited to do an activity. On half a page, we wrote the name of a personal hero and the qualities that led us to admire them. Then we wrote our own name on the other half and copied beside it those same heroic qualities, whether we had them or not.

I started the exercise, but all at once, my hand few to a blank corner the sheet. I madly wrote a few of my own personal qualities: ways of being that were useful to others, things people said they appreciated about me. It stopped me cold.

You see, for most of my life, I thought I was junk. I had low self-esteem that I sometimes disguised with arrogance or controlling behaviors. I was constantly comparing myself to others, mostly seeing myself as inferior. And I ate over it!

Could it really be that I have worth? That God needs me as I am, as I am growing, in a plan only known to that inner voice we share? I admit the thought of that possibility had me almost shaking. I sat there in my own world of discovery.

Coming out of it, I heard the speaker suggest that, through program, we could become like our heroes, developing the qualities we’d listed “beyond our wildest dreams.” I can really sense the good in that suggestion—we all want to make progress in practicing the principles in all our affairs, and role models play a part.

But in this twenty-four hours, my learning was in a different realm, so when the speaker asked if anyone would like to share what they had discovered, I approached the mike on unsteady legs.

“I am so grateful for this exercise,” I said. “Today, HP zapped me. Most of my life, I tried to emulate others, but in this moment, I’ve been told I need to develop the gifts and talents that I’ve been blessed with personally. I have a uniqueness to embrace. Making comparisons or trying to be someone else, as I’ve so often done, only hurt and paralyzed me. Everything I need to get out of my rut is found by working the Steps, using the Tools, being in fellowship, and trusting God to give me everything required to succeed. I can feel a new freedom and joy in my heart!”

Thanks for being part of my journey.

— K., Canada