The Longing

I have been a compulsive eater for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are of food, and my earliest relationships were with food rather than people. I was always a thin child, but when I reached adolescence, my body began to change, and I felt extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated how I looked and felt, and I struggled with feeling like an outsider among my family members and classmates. My goal was to escape from those scary feelings, and food served as my primary means of doing so.

During those years, my eating behaviors became quite disordered. I began to restrict my food intake until my body was starving too much to manage; then I binged, felt awful about it, and repeated the cycle all over again. I spent nearly fifteen years trapped in that agonizing cycle of bingeing and restricting, trying to figure out on my own how to break out of my self-imposed prison. My addiction had a strong hold on me. Alone, I was no match for it.

My weight plummeted as I continued to restrict food intake, until I weighed so little—85 pounds (39 kg)—that my organs were fighting to keep me alive. But my scale served as my god, and my disease kept yelling that I was not thin enough yet. “Just a few more pounds,” it said. “Just a few more.”

Regular therapy and work with a nutritionist finally broke through my denial but could not change my crazy eating behaviors. From a friend’s urging, I finally began to attend OA meetings, where I was amazed to find other people who faced similar struggles. I listened intently to all they offered and finally felt there was hope for me. I learned I didn’t have to live in that lonely, food-obsessed world anymore, and I slowly began to change. I wanted what I saw in those abstinent OA members: freedom and serenity. It took me a year before I was fully willing to surrender my disease to my Higher Power and begin to work the Steps with a sponsor. Once I did, I began to experience the freedom from food obsession that I had longed for but never believed possible.

Currently, by the grace of God, I celebrate almost nine years of abstinence, and I have maintained a healthy weight for all that time. I have a sponsor and I sponsor others. I continue to work the Steps and practice the Principles of the program to the best of my ability. I am infinitely grateful for this second chance at life that was so freely given to me, and I pray my story of recovery will provide some hope for another struggling compulsive eater.

— Nina