True Self

“Searching Out Shame,” (p. 20) the Stepping Out article in the April 2016 issue of Lifeline, spoke deeply to me. The author asserted that the power source for compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors is shame rooted in codependency, and this concept sank into my depths. Its ripples of truth resonated right through me.

Before I came to OA, the lying voice of my disease assailed me daily. It constantly whispered, and often screamed, that I was fat, defective, and unlovable. It mattered not that I was either at a healthy weight or significantly underweight, because I believed this lying voice. My entire identity was wrapped up in the number on the scale, how little I could eat, how long I could go without eating, how much I could exercise, or whether someone commented on my thinness. I was an obedient slave, and those masters dictated my every move.

My deep self-hatred and sense of defectiveness housed and sustained the shame that I felt and drove me to look outward for value and identity. In my twisted thinking, thinness gave me value and identity; approval from others made me somebody.

To complicate matters, my sexuality and gender identity did not conform to social norms, so I felt further devalued and outcast. I felt desperate for social acceptance and craved social power, but in my experience, thinness, long hair, and traditional femininity brought social power. Deep codependency compelled me to turn myself inside out and do whatever had to be done to acquire crumbs of social power—the smiles, nods, eye contact, listening ears, and affirmations. Deep shame of myself as simply me fueled all of it. Shame rooted in codependency compelled me to grow my hair, wear feminine clothes (even though I felt like a drag queen), starve myself, and over-exercise in order to appear thin and feminine, just so I could feel acceptable to other people. It was a desperate, empty existence.

OA showed me a better way and has gently and slowly helped me to embrace it. OA has truly saved my life. Since 1989, minus an early, eight-year relapse (a break for further research), HP has been continuously sloughing from me the deep shame that fuels my disease. I want my recovery journey to be a powerful event, but the process continues to unfold at its own pace, while I imperfectly apply our inspired program, Tools, and Steps to daily life on life’s terms. Despite the social pressure my codependency perceives, HP has enabled me to maintain, without panic, a 15-pound (7-kg) weight gain and to follow food and exercise plans one day at a time. I read program literature daily, attend several meetings weekly, and regularly share my true, raw heart with my sponsor and within this loving Fellowship. I have discovered, and keep discovering, my true self.

As the tender sprouts of my true self develop, my shame rooted in codependency slowly fades. Miracles keep happening. I keep coming back because I always have room for more miracles.

— Julia