Out of Compliance

I’m not happy to say I’m working on surrender. The way I grew up, it was about doing better every time. Quitting was never an option. Then I came to OA and heard about this surrender thing. But I’m hardwired to do my best, so I followed program suggestions like a to-do list. I went to meetings, made a few calls, found a sponsor, picked up some literature, and did a little writing. This carried me for a while, but then I slipped. So I doubled down and worked harder. I thought I was doing it right, but then I broke my abstinence again. That day really sucked.

I was trapped between two impulses: go back to eating the crap I’d been living without or eat an abstinent meal. I had no desire to participate in abstinence— weighing, measuring, eating at the right times. I was mad at everything and everyone, and the worst part was no amount of compulsive eating or compulsive food behaviors would make it better. I knew with certainty I had another binge in me, but I did not know if I had another recovery. And that was the first time I understood. I am utterly and completely powerless over food and compulsive food behaviors.

I had long been willing—to follow directions, to do footwork—so it confused me that I was still feeling and acting crazy. Then I heard at a meeting to pray for the willingness to surrender, so I did. I also followed my sponsor’s suggestions and really started working Step One. I really believed I was surrendering—to some extent, I must have been because I really was experiencing miracles. But unmanageability and self-will slowly crept back. Surrender was slipping, and willingness was disguising compliance. My cunning disease made me forgetful about items in my food plan. Imagine a compulsive overeater forgetting to eat something! Back to Step One.

I travel for work, and this alone time is a wonderful opportunity to listen to OA podcasts. Shortly after my return to Step One, a speaker podcast hit me like a two-by-four, and I was able to hear this idea of acting in compliance without really experiencing recovery.

That was it. I had been doing what I was supposed to be doing in OA, but still acting like I had control. I’d said I was powerless, but I wasn’t acting powerless. I was clinging to the “I,” but the First Step says “We.” No wonder I was feeling frustrated.

Today and every day, we are able to admit we are powerless over food—that our lives have become unmanageable. With the help of others in OA, learning it cannot be done alone, we can learn to surrender. We can learn the dangers of compliance, and let it go.

I never thought surrender would be the key to success, but what did my best thinking ever get me? Today, I am ready and willing to leave compliance behind, to admit my powerlessness, and to surrender.

— Bike (BK), Pennsylvania USA