I’ve lost 40 pounds (18 kg) in a little over a year. I’ve made it; I weigh slightly less than my goal weight. But I have these funny feelings in my stomach: delight, shock, wry amusement, and a teeny bit of disappointment.

I am definitely delighted to wear a bikini and cry crocodile tears that none of my clothes fit. They are too big, so I have to (aw, shucks) go shopping. I’m very satisfied with the “you look great” comments my new photos get on social media. And I love posing in the mirror as I brush my teeth and seeing the lines of toned muscle under my skin.

 I had gained all that weight as a way to cope with complete insanity in my life and some truly devastating circumstances. To lose those pounds, I had to deal with the emotional turmoil and spiritual disconnect that packed them on. I think I’ve cried a tear for every molecule of adipose tissue I’ve shed, and I’m not quite done. It’s been a painful process. I had to: (1) get consistent with my food and exercise behaviors and (2) find new ways of living and coping. Working the Tools gave me guidance and support for the first part, and working the Steps gave me a path to follow to work on the second. I never would have been able to diet and exercise my way to thinness or sanity. I absolutely had to have the support and guidance of OA and a new relationship with my Higher Power to hold me and help me. I have such gratitude for this.


So here I am, a new size 6, realizing that ‘goal weight’ does not equal ‘goal life.

 So here I am, a new size 6, realizing that “goal weight” does not equal “goal life.” Prince Charming hasn’t shown up to compliment me on my missing muffin top. Work still stresses me out. My behind, despite all the lunges and squats, is still a bit droopy. And I will probably always have stretch marks. My new body size doesn’t fix the rest of my life, and that realization is both startling and a little disappointing.

Instead of the gleeful happy dance I had planned for this moment, I’m in a place of content acceptance. My body and life may never be perfect, but they are good. With the loss of 40 pounds (18 kg), I lost a ton of resentment and bad behaviors, and I gained an active lifestyle (hiking and snorkeling are among my new hobbies). I also gained a healthy fear of what happens when I turn to food to fix my life and a healthy support system to deal with life on life’s terms. I really enjoy putting on an outfit, meeting my eyes in the mirror, and telling myself without sarcasm, “You look beautiful.”

Who knew that I’d gain more than I lost?

— Steph S., Hawaii USA

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