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Catastrophe Living

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I’ve always related to the idea that my cup was half empty, which was apparent in my behavior. My plate was never full enough. I always had to have a beverage at hand. Anxiety would develop if I thought I was going to run out of something in the cupboard (I still have issues with this, but now it happens with my abstinent foods). I always anticipated the worst possible outcome in any scenario. My thinking was, if I prepared myself for the worst, I could be happy with any result less catastrophic than the imagined one. I vowed to be grateful—but I never was.

Nothing was good enough. My insatiable desires played with me on every level: I never felt I had enough food, substance, money—or this or that or the other thing. Gluttony was embedded in me. I had to have it all or nothing.

My connection to my HP through OA has changed this character defect. It has re-manifested: my “all or nothing” attitude has become the driving force in my desire to absorb every piece of recovery I can. Perseverance reigns. Being blessed with what I need liberates me from acting on wants. I don’t have to worry about what tomorrow holds. For today, I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, clothes on my back, love in my life, close friendships, a program that works because I work it, and a Fellowship to which I feel akin. Where else could I be so understood, so accepted, and comfortable enough to share my ugly transgressions without fearing judgment? OA has given me a chance to redeem myself, an opportunity to be a changing person. The beauty is that I only have to do it in intervals of twenty-four hours.

I am overcome with peace of mind, body, and spirit. I don’t anticipate tomorrow. But now I am aware: by living the OA Steps, using recovery Tools, and thanking God for the good graces that brought me to this new way of living, I have options to face whatever comes my way, now and going forward.

Thank you for your patience in reading my share (rant). A rush of emotion flows through me into my hands, and out comes the negativity I could drown in. Each time I delve into it, I am released from the chains with which I once bound myself. Cleaning up my side of the street, I believe the hole I once buried myself in was no one’s fault but my own.

Blessings to all for an abstinent twenty four hours!

— D.R., Illinois USA

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