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Greater Than Myself

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I began the most recent chapter of my OA journey by facing the futility of a sixteen-year relapse. I admired nothing about myself, least of all my body. I had weight-loss surgery in 2001, yet I’d managed to gain back all the weight I’d lost plus 25 extra pounds (11 kg). I weighed over 300 pounds (136 kg). I had severe arthritis and walking problems, and my doctor said I needed knee surgery to ensure I would still be able to walk in the future. I also had to use sleep aids and take blood pressure medication.

I was unhappy—with my life and with my body. I looked at my body and saw a visible daily reminder of my weakness and lack of control. Every roll of fat reminded me I was a failure at taking care of myself. When I faced these issues with honesty, I knew I had to lose weight in order to save my life. I remembered that sixteen years ago I’d been able to receive the gift of abstinence for a year—and I had lost weight.

So I came back, seeking weight loss. But my sponsor set me straight: Although I might find weight loss and eventually repair my health, OA is about spiritual transformation. I am grateful to say that through the daily gift of abstinence from my Higher Power, I have begun to experience that transformation. My life and my state of mind have changed. I am learning to know my Higher Power in a way I never imagined possible.

My pants are looser now, and my blouses don’t tug at my chest when I sit down. I can move my knees and hips in a freer and faster gait, and I can stand for the hymns in my church. I have had to shorten the length of my seat belt and move my seat forward in the car.

These are mere inches in a journey of miles, but each is incredibly precious to me. Each is a testimony to my Higher Power’s loving care for me. Each is a reminder that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Although my body is far from thin, I can now look at it objectively. I see it as a battlefield on which I choose daily that my Higher Power be victorious. I see it not as a reminder of the mistakes of my past, but as a work in progress.

I don’t yet have a newly slim body, but I feel brand new. And because that feeling tastes better than any food I have ever consumed, I choose today to thank my Higher Power for my body—just as it is today—because it is in this still-flawed body that I have a front-row seat to the amazing miracle of its recovery.

— Donna F

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