Personality vs. Principle

Tradition Twelve—Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all these Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Tradition Twelve has made a huge difference in my life. I began coming to OA regularly eighteen years ago, but I had some difficulties implementing the program. I could not seem to become abstinent. I did not feel like I really understood the program, and I was shaky about the idea of having a sponsor.

In desperation, I asked a fellow member I trusted to complete a Fourth Step with me. We both filled out what inventory questions we could and met weekly to read our answers together. For the first time, I was able to really work a Step, and for the first time, I felt the worth of having a partner in recovery. We were making great progress, I thought.

Then a tragic circumstance came up in the life of my recovery partner. This fellow OA member, whom I trusted completely, eventually stopped coming to meetings and stopped working with me. I felt so abandoned, and hopelessness set in. I grieved and made many futile attempts to get my friend to work with me again and come to meetings.

Then one day, while reading the Traditions, I realized the truth of Tradition Twelve. Principles had to come before personalities. Working my program was the important thing, and my fellow member’s opinions and decisions did not have to affect it. My abstinence was more important than the influence of any person in any meeting, even if I loved that person dearly. Doors opened in my mind, and I recalled many times when my partner had rebelled against the program and refused to work it, times when I gave up doing something I knew would be good for us just because my friend didn’t want to. I’d worked hard to include and please this friend instead of letting them be responsible for their own decisions. Even as we were working together on the Fourth Step, I knew my friend’s commitment was not as deep as mine.

The decision was very difficult, but I decided I had to go on in OA without my recovery partner and friend. I found a new sponsor, kept coming to meetings, and tried to take the program seriously. Soon after, I came to understand program better, and I became abstinent.

When I feel lonely, it’s hard to recognize that principles are more important than personalities. But in the long run, abstinence means everything to me. My life has become so much better than I ever thought it could. The weight I lost seems to have stayed lost, which has never happened for me before.

My friend never really came back to OA, but my love is still there. I can let my friend be my friend, and I can let myself be abstinent and recovering. There is so much more for me to learn!

— Anonymous