Humility Keeps Me Abstinent

I used to joke that when I first came into program, I was very proud of my humility. Not that I knew what humility was—I thought of it more as self-deprecating behavior. And I really did not think I had a problem with it.

Now I think of it as balance. And I know I have a problem with it.

The February 18 Voices of Recovery reading (p. 49) aptly describes our character defects as being like a sound system with the volume turned up too high or down too low, and that was my relationship to humility. Only rarely was my ego dialed to a center position. One moment I’d have an entitlement mindset, thinking I was not getting the responsibility, job title, salary, or whatever else I thought I deserved, and the next moment I’d suffer the tyranny of perfectionism, blowing a minor mistake into a conviction that I was incompetent, overpaid, and a likely target for the next layoff.

Now I work at staying in balance. I accept I will make mistakes, knowing at the same time I am improving in many ways each day. I am learning from my mistakes. I am open to a better way of doing things than my way. I don’t need to be a know-it-all to feel adequate; I don’t need to fear trying something new because I won’t be good at it. I can always learn new things, in or out of my areas of expertise. I am no better or worse than anyone else in terms of mastering life’s lessons.

What does this have to do with food? Everything. This is another area of too high highs and too-low lows, driving me as a compulsive overeater to pick up and stuff down. Someone aptly spelled out BINGE as “Believing I’m Not Good Enough.” But for me, binges can also develop from me thinking I’m too good or being too proud to ask for help. Practicing humility keeps me in abstinence, in the center, in the “good-enough” zone.

We are all equals on the road to recovery—honestly facing our problems, open mindedly seeking others’ help when our own efforts have failed us, and becoming willing to act on the new knowledge we gain; including how to keep our egos in that balance known as humility.

— Edited and reprinted from Novations newsletter, Northern Virginia Intergroup, July 2008