Not Managing

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Recovery began for me with Step One, when I admitted I was powerless over food and, as a result, my life was unmanageable.

It gave me comfort, admitting my powerlessness. After all my failed attempts at dieting, I could see I had no control over food. Between my meals, or even after I ate a complete dinner, I craved more food. I spent my attention thinking about what, when, and how much I would eat; then I’d have to recover from eating it. All that bingeing left me little time for anything else. I ate to numb my pain, feel better about myself, and forget my problems, but any relief was temporary. And overeating sapped my energy so much I had none left to give others or put toward activities that would normally be fun.

In order to get well, I had to admit I was sick. For many years, I’d denied I had a problem. I usually binged alone, so I could consume as much as I wanted yet remain in denial about how much I was eating. What I didn’t know is that I have an allergy to certain foods: I cannot stop eating them after I start. I learned I have a mental obsession; it tries to convince me I can eat anything at all without suffering consequences. This obsession is not rational. It is my own self-will running riot, pushing me from bite to bite, all the way to a binge.

My life’s unmanageability was harder to recognize. In spite of my addiction, I’d managed to maintain some of my commitments and responsibilities. But, by letting go of the illusion that I could control my behavior, I took the first step on my journey of recovery. I was able to recognize my powerlessness when I looked at my endless cycle of overeating: no matter how desperately I’d believed I would never binge again, I couldn’t stop. At first, when I admitted my life was unmanageable, what I really meant was my food was unmanageable. It was when I worked the Steps that I began to see how unmanageable my life really was. When I admitted I cannot manage my own life, then, and only then, was I able to let go of trying to control everyone and everything else.

What a relief it was to let go—I could stop wearing myself out making futile efforts. In OA, I ask my Higher Power to help me cope with cravings and not take a first compulsive bite, for just twenty-four hours. I need to take Step One every day. Denial is part of my illness; I can easily forget I am one bite away from a binge. But change is possible. There is a solution.

— Connie W., Plymouth, Wisconsin USA