Powering Through

Came to believe in a Power greater than myself—that’s where I got stuck. I couldn’t get past me. I was all wrapped up in my old beliefs about religion, God, and church. I became a prisoner of my beliefs, my parent’s beliefs, and other people’s conceptions.

I never truly felt a positive connection with a God of my understanding. My understanding of God was negative. God wasn’t for me. God was for the good kids, like my cousins, and people who dressed nicely—you know, the good-looking people who never seemed to get into trouble, who got good grades, whose parents weren’t divorced. God didn’t care about me. Why would he? Nobody else did.

So I struggled at Step Two. I really thought I had to be able to name my Higher Power and have an overwhelming belief in someone else’s belief, but I couldn’t and I didn’t. My resentments and fears about God were blocking me from moving forward in my life. I just didn’t want anything to do with my childhood God. All my old beliefs kept me away from a good, all-powerful God who loved me for me.

If I was going to believe in a Power greater than myself, it really needed to make sense to me. I didn’t know what to do! I heard all kinds of things that didn’t make sense. Come to believe in a doorknob or lightbulb as a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity? I tried. I got more confused and continued to struggle.

Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, part of the truth was I still thought I was the Power, even though I was saying I was powerless in Step One. So I had to start from where I was, and that’s what I finally did. I started with my own truth. And my own truth was belief in the Power of the group—not the actual people, but the Power and trust that kept me and others coming back and recovering from compulsive overeating. Slowly, I developed a different belief and relationship with that Power. Today I call that Power “God.”

Today I am thankfully still developing my relationship with God through the Twelve Steps of OA. My beliefs are different today, and continue to change from working the Steps. It seems the more I practice the Twelve Steps and clear away the wreckage of my past, the stronger my belief in a Power greater than myself becomes. I need to remind myself that a belief is only as strong as the action behind it.

— Anonymous, Anoka, Minnesota USA