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Surrendering Dreams

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If this were a highly complicated program requiring complex levels of thought and planning, I would have nailed it long ago. But a simple program of recovery? Nope, that’s baffling! As wise fellows have said, “You can’t be too dumb for this program, but you can be too smart!”

I have this vision of me versus God. I’m on my knees in the mud, tattered armor on my body and blood on my face. Cold steel presses against my throat as my Higher Power presses his sword against my neck and roars, “Surrender or die!” With that vision, oddly enough, I have just not been interested in surrendering to a Higher Power.

Don’t get me wrong; after almost two years in program, I’ve turned over many things to my Higher Power. With his help and the help of OA, I’ve released binging, purging and almost 30 extra pounds (14 kg). My life is bigger and brighter than it has ever been, and I have a huge measure of peace and spiritual recovery. However, that is around specific things, like my body and circumstances.

What I’m still fighting is surrendering my dreams, goals and will for my life. I’ve been willing to believe that HP will restore me to sanity with my health, and he has. But I am afraid to release the goals that have driven me and allowed me an external measure of validation. “I’ll be okay if I accomplish X.” “I’m worth something if someday I become Z.”

And in general, I am pretty good at forcing my will onto the world. I have arranged every detail of my life so I can start a graduate program. I have the time and resources to excel, yet I’m accomplishing nothing. I’m paralyzed by my ambition.

I thought the choice was between my ideal life and a stodgy future picked by an old man. Turns out it’s a choice between spinning the wheels on my toy truck or walking onto a path created for me with my ultimate happiness in mind.

After reading Voices of Recovery today, it hit me: Surrendering my dreams to my Higher Power is not an epic battle ending in my defeat. Surrendering my dreams to my Higher Power is as simple as relaxing into a hug. My HP hasn’t been fighting me. He’s had his arms around me to embrace me, not restrain me. That’s a very different vision of surrender, and with it comes a peace that echoes in my soul. I don’t have to fight anymore. If I relax and release, my Higher Power’s vision for my happiness will materialize. And it will be happiness far greater than anything I can plan on my spreadsheets.

— Steph S., San Francisco, California USA

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