From Self-Help to Sanity I walked into my first OA meeting a little over two and a half years ago. It had taken me almost forty years to recognize that my eating disorder and compulsive food behaviors were out of control. I’d spent my entire adult life climbing the ladder of success, but when I reached the top, I realized it was leaning against … Read More
Balance in the Middle I showed up at my first OA meeting because I was exhausted from trying unsuccessfully to break the cycle of bingeing on sweets, feeling awful about my behavior and myself, restricting and exercising to compensate for bingeing, weighing myself often, and eventually bingeing on sweets again regardless of the number on the scale. I ate to comfort myself when I … Read More
My Favorite Color I had an interesting realization about color and clothing. Being overweight, I always heard I should wear dark colors, especially black, to hide my large figure. But when I wear black, I get hot and tend to sweat, so I rarely wear it. Plus, black is not my color. Now that I have joined OA and have lost over 60 pounds … Read More
Guilt Free Freedom from the guilt of overeating—what a concept! Before OA, guilt wrenched me. It was my fault I was fat and unable to do something about it. I’m glad I jumped out of that depressing cycle. Without the guilt I can focus on recovery, which should have been my primary concern anyway! The path of recovery led me to eat … Read More
This Holiday, Frenzy-Free From October through December, I used to engage in an eating frenzy that appeared to have no end. I absolutely could not comprehend that a Higher Power of any kind would be interested in my food issues, and my feelings of unworthiness and shame continued unabated. I just endured the process, as if it was a project I had to … Read More
A Change at the Checkout My trips to the grocery store became much different after I became abstinent more than ten years ago. Many aisles no longer held anything I could safely purchase. The remaining aisles got greater attention from me, and to this day, I read labels, check portion sizes, and compare prices. There is one aspect of the grocery store that gets my … Read More
Teddy Bear Self-Esteem My self-esteem was low when I first set foot in these rooms of recovery. I was addicted to feeling bad about myself. I set impossible standards and felt shame every time I fell short of my ideal. When I did an impressive job, I wondered why it wasn’t an excellent job. When I did an excellent job, I berated myself … Read More
Acknowledging the Backstory Back in the twentieth century, it still felt okay to ridicule fat people. They seemed so cartoonish. Who could resist poking fun at them behind their backs? Today, I know that gossip is despicable. The obese are the last objects of scorn and prejudice, aren’t they? What did we ignorant people know of their inner lives? In a memoir I … Read More
Dancer in the Mirror For years, I’d walk my dogs at a local park. Nearly every night, we’d pass a recreation room where there was a Latin dance aerobics class, and I’d watch from a distance. I didn’t want to invite the humiliation of being a morbidly obese woman watching people exercise. I had been ridiculed in public before. In the mirrors, I saw … Read More
Recovery Celebration In recovery, I have freedom from: pretending to be a normal eater and wishing people would just go away so I could eat using all celebrations as an excuse to binge eating secretly as I baked, prepared, and served food—and continuing to eat long afterward squeezing into only a few select pieces of clothing (usually with elasticized waistbands) making commitments … Read More