Pause and Rewind

Recently, my brother asked if I could help trigger memories of our difficult childhood, so I repeated some phrases that were used derisively toward us. It made me think about how far I’ve come with those same words—some I even use now when talking to myself, but in a supportive tone instead of a mean one.

I thought about the other triggers I’ve had to work through. It wasn’t until I’d been in OA for a while that I realized I had never talked to my mom without eating bread afterward to soothe me. I’d have the bread bag out with my hand in it, anticipating the end of the conversation so there’d be no delay between the last word and me stuffing down the hurts that she’d just handed out. Mom could trigger me into addictive behavior faster than any other human being.

I asked the Spirit and my sponsor for help. First, I had to recognize and own my response. Then, I questioned why I kept talking every week to someone who was so mean. Finally, I realized that I deserved not to eat over her. Over time, I observed that when I was abstinent and had made a spiritual connection that day, I was much more likely to not be triggered. Eureka! I began to see I had a choice about how I responded to Mom chats and realized that I could call less often and call or answer only when I felt spiritually fit. I also started saying “Ouch!” when she was mean, which shortened our conversations considerably since she didn’t like me pointing that out.

Some triggers are much more subtle, but when I hear my head starting to fantasize about food, I pause and rewind to see what just happened that made me think I’d need food for comfort. My husband’s swearing throws me into fight or flight, even when it has nothing to do with me. Having my voice ignored in a decision that impacts me is a big trigger. And sometimes, it’s as simple as hearing or reading a phrase from my abusive childhood. It’s getting an email from my sister who has a hard time “seeing” me and makes up what she doesn’t know. Or, it’s one of the mean faces my brother wears when he’s about to pick on a child the way he used to pick on me. (Now, I tell him I see it and that he doesn’t need to act out, which usually stops him.)

Being able to pause and rewind has saved my abstinence. Asking the Spirit for help in that pause has given me the space to investigate what is going on. It’s not that I haven’t made questionable food choices at times or overfilled my one-plate meal; it is that I continue to improve and amend to the fullest degree the life I am living by continually working the Steps, Traditions, Principles, and Tools. I’m so grateful for my recovery and the sanity it has brought to my life!

— Anonymous