Feeling Raw

When I came into OA, I weighed 43 kilos (95 lbs). I was consuming huge amounts of food, and I was terrified of putting on weight. My life revolved around bingeing and being thin, and I had a system. I binged on any junk food I wanted for one day, then I binged on vegetables and fruit for four or five days to stop myself from gaining weight. Then I’d do it all over again.

I was isolated and lonely. Occasionally, others would break through and tell me how worried they were about how thin I was. I took that as a good sign. It was evidence that I was still in control.

My life was ruled by fear. What if I was in a social situation and had to eat some real food on a day I was only allowed fruit and vegetables? What would I do on holidays when the gym closed and I couldn’t work out? What if one day I lost control and gained weight? While bathing, I would feel my hipbones to check that I was still skinny, comforting myself against my constant fear.

The rest of my life atrophied while my obsession with food and weight ballooned. I had a job and a few friends so I could look normal, but I had abandoned the career I trained for because I couldn’t handle any proper responsibility or achieve any real performance. I was scraping by on the outside and being eaten alive on the inside.

When I went to my first meeting, I really wanted to get better, but I was scared. Would it mean putting on a lot of weight? If I turned my back on the food, would my emotions go out of control—beyond what I or the program could handle? Still, I had to try.

I jumped in with both feet, doing everything suggested to me, and I felt terrible, worse than I felt while bingeing. The long timers explained this was normal; I was going through a huge change and would feel raw while I acclimated. They said I was grieving my old, destructive relationship with food, and things would get better.

Letting go of the food was the scariest thing I ever did, but it was also the best. I thought I was just deciding to kick my food problem. I didn’t know my decision would also shine a healing light on every broken corner of my life and piece me back together into a person who could be happy with herself. I didn’t know that I would see my life crammed with people I love and who love me. I didn’t know I would be able to eat abstinent meals and think about life and not food. I didn’t know I would become healthy, fit, and slim, and no longer obsessed with my body or my weight. I didn’t know I would be able to live a normal life with all of its freedoms, challenges, and opportunities. But I am forever grateful.

— Hilary S., Auckland, New Zealand