I went to my first meeting twelve days ago. I have loved the lifeline of daily conversation with my sponsor and the introspection from daily tasks that really help me stay mindful and clean.

I have been asking for spiritual help for the last eight years. God has been guiding me, and today, I have a much more open, loving, and flowing life. I worked hard and made necessary changes to get here. Now, God has guided me to the wonderful family of OA, where help is at hand, and I want to remain happy and healthy.

Do I know I am a compulsive overeater? Yes. Do I think I will always be like this? No. I guess part of me feels that I will change; I won’t be like this forever.

“If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., p. 34). Could I abstain from overeating for a year? Have I ever done this? No. That seems a huge feat for me, so I must have a problem.

I didn’t quite realize the effects of my bingeing and food comas. Now that I’ve eaten abstinently for twelve days, I feel amazing and free. My mind is at peace.

I have some space to delude myself that I can be like a normal eater again—could I just have one bite? God shows me the spiraling after that first bite, and I have seen the warning so many times before. Today, I realize God has been trying to give me help all this time. With tears in my eyes, I thank God and say sorry for not recognizing sooner. For now, God is telling me to listen, reminding me I’ve tried it on my own and couldn’t do it. I am so close to that first snowballing bite.

I am of fixed design, a compulsive overeater. In God’s eyes I am perfect, and now I need to see and feel that love for myself. I can choose to be unattached to my design and not let it rule me, but I can’t do this on my own. I will heed God’s advice and take guidance from those who have walked this same path and succeeded in choosing how to behave and how to feel.

So am I a true compulsive overeater? Yes. Do I feel I can change? Yes. Change does not mean I will stop being an overeater; what will change is how I surrender to who I am. For now, surrendering comes through following the Twelve Steps and using the OA Tools. Will I ever have the flexibility of a normal eater? God knows, but I don’t. For now, I put my trust in abstaining and watch as my faith and love for myself grows.

—Beth M., England

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