HP’s Handiwork

“I have a whole lot of faith, but very few beliefs.” That is how I describe my relationship with my Higher Power. But this hasn’t always been the case. When I first came to OA, I had to make my start from just a willingness to believe. I came to the place I am now by “acting as if.”

My first program prayer was something like, “God, I don’t know if you’re there, but if you are . . . .” I don’t recall what I asked for, but I distinctly remember that prayer worked. So I tried it again and again, slowly growing into a concept of a Higher Power that “has my back.” Once I asked God to help me in a grocery store; I was there late at night to buy coffee and was inundated with smells from the bakery. I said “God, help me; don’t even let me look at food the rest of the way through the store.” And that is exactly what happened. My eyes landed on cards and shirts and a variety of other nonfood items till I was safely out of the store.

I believe my faith has really grown by facing life abstinently. When I don’t pick up the food, I have to deal with emotional upheaval, and turning to God is a viable option. My divorce after thirty-four years of marriage was a case in point. The process was very slow-moving, and my ex and I were not always on the same page. It required a lot of waiting and trusting, and during this time I observed that HP was not particularly forthcoming with answers to my questions. So I learned to do what I could on any given day—even if that was nothing—and set the divorce aside. In the end, I felt such peace. It was then that I began to see faith as a walk in the dark, with just enough light to see the next step.

Today, my life is richer and fuller, mainly due to the partnership I have formed with God. I turn to him more and more, seeking guidance in most of my decisions. I know God’s way is always the best way, and if I can align my will with God’s, then things should work out. Being human, I still find myself acting on self-will, but I have learned to recognize those times by the lack of peace I feel. It may take me a while to let go, but eventually I get tired of doing things my way and let God take over.

When I was six months abstinent, I was so amazed at the miracles that had transpired in my life that I started using the phrase “Go God” to express my gratitude. Eventually, I even put it on my license plates. I still use this phrase today whenever I see HP’s handiwork somewhere. Thank you, HP—and Go God!

— A.P.R.