Source of Love

I don’t consider myself atheist or agnostic, but Steps Two and Three still posed a challenge for me because I found myself unable to embrace the concept of God that I was raised with. I couldn’t understand how an all-powerful, all-loving creator would design a world with so much brutality and suffering, or how I could trust such a God. I felt distressed and wondered how I would work the spiritual aspect of the Steps.

What kept me coming back were the stories in Lifeline and OA meetings of Overeaters Anonymous members with atypical spiritual beliefs who experienced recovery. They gave me hope that it’s possible and that I just needed to find a path I could personally travel.

It took months of reading, meditating, talking with others, praying, journaling, and considering various concepts of a Higher Power before any progress occurred. Thankfully, I stayed abstinent from compulsive eating during most of that time due to another Power greater than myself: the OA Fellowship! I always knew I wanted to find faith in a Power beyond OA itself, but while I was searching, I was sustained by a Step One connection to my sponsor and fellow members, by OA literature, and by the accountability this program brings to my life.

A few months ago, it finally dawned on me that love is a force greater than myself, and this force, like everything, must have an origin. I don’t fully understand who or what the mysterious Source of Love in the world is, but I do believe it exists. I believe this Power is what brings humans solace and courage and what helps us handle the harshness of the world. Maybe the Source of Love actually is the Source of Everything, which many people call “God.” But for now, in order to work this program and not remain stuck on Steps Two and Three forever, I need to simply accept that I don’t know about that.

I cannot currently bring myself to believe in a benevolent force that has power over everything in the physical world, but I can believe in a benevolent force that has power in the realm of the soul: not a power that can prevent physical suffering, but one that can fill our spirits and give us the strength to healthily navigate life as it is.

When I pray, I ask this source to fill me with its healing and strengthening love, and to please help me remove any barriers I’ve placed in the way. I ask to be used as an instrument through which love can flow to others. I ask for awareness of this Power’s presence throughout the day, and also of anything else that’s true, whatever that truth may be.

Things will likely continue to evolve, but that’s where I am right now in my search for faith and a Higher Power. I’m so grateful that OA offers the acceptance and time necessary for people like me to gradually find something we’re able to believe in.

— Anonymous