The Antidote

“Well?! Are you?” asked a raspy, aggressive voice. Even though the woman stood about two feet shorter than me, I took a step back. I’d been walking the aisles of the grocery store and it took a few seconds to register what she wanted to know. My shirt had the word “fearless” in block letters across the chest. I hadn’t really thought about the word when I bought the shirt—I was more delighted that it fit.

This tiny, unpredictable woman was staring me down. I gently smiled at her and said a quiet but firm “Yes.”

She narrowed her eyes and assessed the truthfulness of my answer. I waited calmly for her response, never breaking eye contact. In one fluid movement, she threw up her hand, turned away from me, and yelled, “Good! Women should be afraid of nothing! NOTHING!”

Then she erratically bustled down the aisle, chattering to herself. Stunned, I watched her go and tried to process what had just happened. Was I really fearless?

As an addict, I “have had long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding and fear” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 104). I had to condition myself away from this routine and learn to ask for protection and care from my Higher Power. If I expected this program of action to work, the first thing I had to do was release my fear. It was obvious to me that fear had not been working for me, yet I carried it as if it might serve me somehow in the future. My self-will had brought me to the table with fear. Sitting with it were anger and self-pity. This was not company I should keep.

With time, as I made my way through the Steps, I discovered “freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 122), and when I trust my Higher Power with complete abandon, I replace fear with faith. Once I gave up listening to fear and gave my complete trust to my Higher Power, I began the journey to freedom.

Now, my focus has shifted. I realize I no longer live in that panic of fear and anxiety. I no longer live with the burdensome weight of my addiction. Working to live in faith rather than fear is a true blessing but must be part of my daily footwork. I have to be conscious every day for it to remain strong, in focus, and effective. Otherwise, I would fall back into the clutches of fear and all that comes with it, and my life as an active addict would become reality once again.

Today, I can say “Yes, by the grace of my Higher Power, I am fearless.”

— Mary D., Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada