No Choice

I was not willing to let go of the food. Therefore, I was not willing to trust. I didn’t want my sugar addiction to be taken away from me. I wanted what I wanted, so of course, I craved and craved and gained and gained, and I couldn’t think of stopping my compulsion . . . until my problems finally faced me. My misery was multiplying, and my trigger foods couldn’t numb me enough anymore. Finally, I had to do something. I had to surrender.

I became willing because I was backed into a corner and had no choice. It was so weird. Surrender and acceptance were gifts. I didn’t have to fight anymore with the craving and excess weight.

To say I was changing my entire way of life is not an overstatement, because I had to change pretty much everything about how I spent my time. I had to figure out what to do with the excess hours I had on my hands, time I’d normally spent eating. That work was slow, but I got to change one habit at a time, and I saw small doses of success and abstinence. Not being used to success, I wanted to celebrate with food. I heard in an OA meeting that this feeling is a normal response. I heard lots of important tips in the meetings.

Sometimes, all I got from a meeting was a feeling of peace, and I was so willing to go home with that feeling. I wanted more of it, so I kept attending the meetings. I am experiencing more and more of that peace, and I am willing to let go of the chaos. Yes, I am, as one member says, “a grateful recovering, compulsive overeater,” one who has been given a gift I would never have dreamed of in a million years.

The impossible did happen in my lifetime and miracles— that’s what I believe they are— are still happening. Happy, joyous, and free, that’s me. That’s me in OA.

— Barbara