I’m very grateful my partner is not a compulsive overeater or a manager of my recovery. Recovery has helped me have a more genuine relationship with him.

Before OA, I just wanted him to go to bed so I could binge. I realized in OA that my primary relationship really was with food. This food focus also applied to friends and social events. I used to hover over food tables at parties or buffets, or stay in the kitchen. My primary purpose was to compulsively graze. The food was much more important than people. I am a bit shy, but even when I was very comfortable with people, I still overate.

I feel now that I connect with people at social events. Food thoughts are very minor; the social connections are much more important. I often do need to make a plan, however, to be abstinent at social events. One problem I have is this: when people cook or bake something, if I reject the food it feels like I’m rejecting the cook or the person being celebrated. I can handle this by putting the food into my plan of eating, if that’s an option, or by doing something else when it’s being served, like cleaning up in the kitchen or going to a different room. Often, other people don’t even notice I’m not eating. But this is still a problem area for me. I feel bad when I eat something because of my character defect of people pleasing, when I have absolutely no compulsion to do so!

Quantifying my alcohol is part of my plan of eating. Excess alcohol doesn’t make me want more booze; instead, it makes me not value my OA abstinence and get sloppy with my food. I had old friends who drank and overate a lot (I think our friendships may have been based primarily on overeating and drinking). Now, thanks to OA, I don’t do those things—and I found there wasn’t much left of those relationships.

Other relationships have improved immensely through my Step work inventories and amends. I’ve gotten close with my partner, our son, my dad, and some friends. I’ve created new friendships in OA that are very sweet to me. Six months after I’d found and joined OA, it was discovered that my mother had Stage III ovarian cancer. She died two years later, and my ability to make amends to her before her death was an incredible gift of OA. I don’t feel I have any unfinished business with her; I feel we loved each other to the best of our abilities.

For the last seven years of my time in OA, my partner has had advanced cancer. I’ve kept my abstinence and felt a wide range of emotions, including pure panic. I’ve turned to my HP, my sponsor, my dear program friends, and my sponsees; I also have meetings, journaling, meditating, praying, and Step work to help me walk through this very new experience abstinently, one day at a time.

I am so grateful I’ve not had to numb out with excess food. I want to be present and available to feel the feelings. If I let go of my abstinence, I’d become very self-focused and feel negative; not be present in my life in all its dimensions. But I cannot do it alone.

— Paul, Eugene, Oregon USA

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