Fear Removal

I must confess: After nearly three years in this program, Step Three is the one I’ve struggled with most. Naturally, that’s the Step I’ve been asked to write about. I wonder if my Higher Power has anything to do with that!

Like a lot of people, I experienced a childhood of abuse. I guess you could say I had a bone to pick with my Higher Power. How could I trust any Higher Power who let those things happen to a defenseless child? At a young age, I decided if I couldn’t control the moods of my rage-aholic father, I was going to try to control everything else. Like the actor in the Big Book, I also wanted to be the director, the producer, the lighting technician, and more—the world would be perfect if everything would just go my way (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 60–61). Finally, when I reached a top weight of 476 pounds (216 kg), I had to admit my way was definitely not working.

That’s when my Higher Power interceded. I was laid off from my job and circumstances lined up to bring me to OA. This program has been a lifesaver in so many ways. From a physical recovery standpoint, I’ve lost 225 pounds (102 kg) so far, but OA is not a diet club. This is a spiritual program.

Creating a relationship with my Higher Power is where I’ve had to do the most work. I had to be willing to give up my childhood idea of a Higher Power. My resistance to turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him has everything to do with my fear of letting go of control. So, one of the ways I let go of that fear is by saying the following prayer: “God, please remove my fear of _____ and direct my attention to what you would have me be.”

Through this program of recovery, God would have me be a woman able to trust, a woman able to forgive and make peace with her past, a woman able to love and be loved, and a woman who feels worthy of the best of what life has in store.

— Erin B., Newport News, Virginia USA