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Ahead of the Pack

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I’m a compulsive eater, compulsive exerciser, and bulimic who literally runs along the fine lines between healthy eating and exercise and compulsive behavior. I have been in recovery for five years, but sometimes my own mind still trips me up.

Today I went on a run in the hot sun, got nauseated on the way back, and vomited in the yard when I got home. Puking is really triggering for me, so as it was happening I had a sudden cacophony of voices in my head. Usually my internal voices all sound like me, but this time I was really able to tell them apart.

Boyfriend: “Atta girl! Running till ya puke is hard-core! Hooah!”

Disease: “OMG, this is the start of relapse. I’m going to start bingeing and puking until I lose everything and become a crazy cat lady, alone and fat. It’s hopeless and inevitable.”

Mom: “Poor sweetie. You’re sick. Let’s get dessert.”

Granny: “Did the neighbors see you? You should bake them a dish to apologize.”

Papa: “If you had been at church, where you belong on a Sunday morning. this never would have happened.”

Bestie (non-OA): “Stick to your plan. If you had run according to your schedule you wouldn’t be running in the hot sun. Winners exercise early!”

Drill Sergeant: “Drink more water, soldier! Only a moron forgets to hydrate!”

Dad: “You know if you’d just move back home you could take it easy.”

Sister: “Um, are you pregnant? It is morning, and, um, your tummy is kind of poochy.”

And finally . . .

God: “Great run, little one. You are right where you are supposed to be, even if you don’t know why this moment sucks. Take it easy today and enjoy the endorphin rush I’m about to send you. I’ve got the rest of the day handled for you.”

— Stephanie S., Hilo, Hawaii USA

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