My Highest Priority

My anorexia started innocently enough as a diet to attract a boy. Then I hit puberty and developed, and the molestation started at home. My twelve-year-old self reasoned that if I went back to my undeveloped body, the abuse would stop. So my diet became a war against my body. By college, I was bulimic and purged everything I ate. When I became an electrical engineer, I looked like I had it all, but I ended up in a mental health facility for suicide prevention because, as I learned, nothing is more devastating to the soul than living an inauthentic life.

At the facility, I told someone the truth and attended my first OA meeting, where I met others like me and was able to envision a life without my disease.

After my release, I continued to struggle with abstinence, but a pregnancy helped me put together ninety days. Then I lost the baby. Devastated, I relapsed, and by the time I reached out again for help, my disease had progressed to the point that I was eating just to have something to purge.

Then I traveled to attend a training course for work, but instead of celebrating its completion with the other trainees, I spent hours alone in the hotel room bingeing and purging. It was as if I was standing back, watching someone else destroy herself. And then something amazing happened: my first spiritual experience. I heard a voice say, “This has to stop!” I got down on my knees and begged God for help. That’s when I finally surrendered. I have not purged since.

I took my first three Steps at an eating disorders treatment facility. When I got home, I joined OA right away. At first, my disease kept me from choosing a sponsor, but when I realized this, I found one anyway and started working the Steps. My recovery became my top priority, so I followed directions, did assignments, and gave service whenever I could. One day, I realized that all the miracles had come true for me. I did not chase them; they seemed to appear on their own.

Today, my recovery is still my highest priority. I maintain my abstinence by practicing the Principles of the program in all my affairs and practicing the Steps throughout the day. This year, I celebrated twenty years of abstinence, one day at a time. I identify as anorexic and bulimic at meetings and sponsor anyone who asks. I am no longer at war with my body. I am grateful for all it has given me, including my three children, and I make living amends to my body by practicing self-care.

The Twelve Steps released me from the prison of my disease and saved my life. I have a Higher Power who walks with me though every breath. I ask for guidance, and I always get an answer. I know he has a plan for me; my life is more than I ever imagined it could be, a life beyond my wildest dreams.

—Alice W., Forest Grove, Oregon USA