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Love and Light

2 min read

When I was 60 years old and abstinent for six months, I had overwhelming feelings. I felt as if I were going crazy. How did people do this without medication?

As time went on, I became more desperate, going to two or three meetings a day, meditating, doing Step work, and making outreach calls. Nothing gave me the peace I sought.

I decided to read Step Two, which talks about being restored to sanity, in the OA and AA Twelve and Twelve books. There was the blind spot: I had been going through the motions. The literature suggested I define the God of my understanding, something I had not done in twenty four years of Twelve Step programs.

After meditating, it came to me that I wanted a God of solace and refuge. I wasn’t sure about the meaning of either word, so I looked them up. Solace means alleviation of grief and anxiety. Boy, that’s what I wanted. I had left my husband of thirty years; my son had relapsed; and my life was uncertain. I wanted a Higher Power to comfort and soothe me.

Refuge means a protection from difficulty and danger. My husband was unstable and volatile, but living life on my own with a full stomach was almost impossible.

Today I have 631 days free from anorexia and bulimia. My Higher Power has now expanded to be a God of love and light.

— Susan T., California USA

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