Reliance, Not Defiance

When I came into Overeaters Anonymous almost twenty-one years ago, I came for a diet. I needed to lose a lot of weight and keep it off! Countless doctors had assured me of the dire necessity of this; plus, my weight was impeding my interactions with my husband, children, friends, and professional life. What I didn’t think I needed was the Twelve Step program of recovery.

I didn’t believe there was a God of some kind who would keep me abstinent. I thought only I could do that. I didn’t need or want a spiritual experience. I wasn’t going to pray or meditate or ask a Higher Power for assistance. But as the years went by, I saw visible proof of change in various members at my face-to-face meeting. They were passionate about their transformation through working diligently in the Big Book and following the Twelve Steps of OA exactly as written.

Finally, just last year, after twenty years in OA, I said to myself, “Who am I to say they are wrong? What do I have to lose by trying it their way?” Yes, I was abstinent and at goal weight, but I was still mean spirited, opinionated, and self-seeking. So, I looked for and found a passionate and compassionate teacher/sponsor to guide me through the Big Book and the Twelve Step program, and yes, I am slowly changing. Some days I’m moving two steps forward and one step backward, but at least I’m not stagnating.

I am grateful to all the people in the OA program of recovery for pointing me in the right direction, towards my own personal belief that there is a Spirit of the Universe that will open arms and welcome me as long as I am willing to take action and continue to trust. God (the Spirit of the Universe) is or he isn’t. Today I choose to believe he is and he/it cares for me. “Reliance, not defiance” is my mantra for today.

— Barbara E.