Another Leap

“Act as if” was a concept I found hard to comprehend. Fake it until you make it? Wouldn’t that be lying to myself and being something I’m not? I just did not get it. I had always been encouraged to do things I wanted to do, but never felt that I could. My excuses varied: I was too fat. I didn’t make enough money. It took too much effort. Was I even worth it? Why act as if, if I didn’t really believe I deserved good things in my life? My low self-esteem and negative self-talk kept me trapped.

Before I came to OA, I was influenced by motivational speakers to act as if I did want good things. So I began making myself think that I could lose weight, hold a job, and be good at working with people. For a new sales job, I began making cold calls, and what a leap of faith that was for me. I had to put myself out there, and I found it worked; I was selling a product I believed in, and that gave me confidence to do other things.

But when I walked through the doors of Overeaters Anonymous, I came home. I found people who thought like me and talked like me. They had this disease too, but they didn’t let it stop them from living life: They were peaceful, happy, and losing weight. I wanted that! Did I deserve it? You bet I did. I had learned to recognize self-hating talk and negativity, and now I was given the gift of the Twelve Steps to turn my life around. I was encouraged to change the parts of myself I didn’t like. With our Twelve Step program, it was possible.

I was scared because this meant making another leap of faith: to really believe I deserved good things in my life and could change. Now, I needed to believe and act as if—I had to let God into my life so he could run the show instead of my disease running it.

I was given hope in this program and the belief that I could do anything, one day at a time. I was worth it, and I could do it—I just needed to get started and take action. I had to let my Higher Power take me places I didn’t always want to go—it was scary and seemed so beyond anything I could do on my own. I had to act as if everything was going to be okay with God in charge.

I have been shown over and over that it is okay. God has been doing for me what I could never do for myself.

Today, “acting as if” to me means to have courage, hope, and faith. I believe and I relax. I let God do what God does best in my life; I get out of the way and let God do his thing. Know what? It works!

— Denise H., Ottumwa, Iowa USA