Let God

The AA Big Book outlines “the spiritual answer and program of action” (4th ed., p. 42), which hundreds had followed with success at the time it was written. Now millions of people follow the Twelve Step path with miraculous stories of recovery. Ours is a spiritual program. What exactly does that mean?

I grew up in an organized religion. As an addict, I clung to the punitive and angry religious lessons. After more than six years in recovery, I realize the religious instruction of my youth isn’t all bad; it’s not all good either. I’m able to attend a service and, as program suggests, take what I like and leave the rest!

My idea of God is not what it was when I was 8 or 18. It’s evolved and will continue to evolve as I live this Twelve Step recovery program one day at a time, to the best of my ability. Today I have a rock-solid idea of a Higher Power that works, although I’m not always sure who, what, or where my Higher Power is. God’s will can become even more confusing when I hear, “Take this job,” “Hate this guy,” or “Have this or that food.” The answers are simplified when I return to my idea of Higher Power: God does not want me to abuse myself with food. It’s that simple and that complicated.

As both an anorexic and a compulsive overeater, my disease can talk me into all kinds of tricks. It tells me, “That’s too much. You’ll get fat. Fat girls don’t get married, and their dreams don’t come true.” The sole purpose of my disease is to get me alone and kill me. My death can be quick if I return to under-eating, or it can drag out if I go the overeating route. Either way the result is death.

The OA program says, “Keep it simple,” “Easy does it,” “First things first.” My Higher Power is simple—don’t abuse yourself with food. Easy does it applies to meals and food choices—don’t abuse yourself with food. First things first— don’t abuse yourself with food!

Everything in my life has, does, and will work out as God intends, as long as I rely upon my Higher Power. I must remain diligent by living the Twelve Steps and having Higher Power as my focus. I understand what the Big Book says in Chapter Four: “When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., p. 53). I am beginning to realize life begins and ends with the food.

Today I want the abuse to end; therefore, God is first. If I abuse myself with food, I’m not only blocking out Higher Power, but I’m letting the disease be my ruler. I’m letting it get me alone and kill me. For today, I choose to let go of the abuse and let God.

— B.A.