Loving Acceptance

My journey in physical recovery has been full of ups and downs, much like the number on my scale before I came into program.

I once believed that if I could wear a size 16 in jeans (stretchy jeans, that is), then I could live a fulfilled life; I truly believed I would die happy in a size 16. My Higher Power did more for me than I would have done for myself, however, because I now fit into size 12 slacks (the ones with the ridiculous button and the little clips that you have to suck in your belly to latch, no matter what size you are wearing).

Unfortunately, I found myself just as concerned after fitting into a size 12. In some ways I had everything I wanted, but physical recovery is not all there is to body image. Sometimes the voices, the old “tapes” that declared me fat and ugly in my pre-OA days, were just as loud as ever, especially about my self-worth, until OA started the slow and arduous task of retraining my mind. Part of me was sure I would be worth more love and kindness because I was at a healthy body weight, but the other part of me understood that my mental self was still battered and believed herself to be worthless.

This is why our program of recovery exists on multiple levels. It is not enough for me to be the right size. I had to find understanding, love, and acceptance for myself when I weighed more than 300 pounds (136 kg), and then I had to accept that the number on the scale was never the answer.

The answer is loving myself inside and out. With the help of program, the Tools, my sponsor, and my Higher Power, I am learning every day what I am worth.

— Anonymous, Anchorage, Alaska USA