Sunshine Ahead

I began praying daily for addicts all over the world—my latest mission of the heart, but I didn’t know the compassion I was feeling for them was direct prayer for me.

In the faith I practice, it was time to contemplate what I could give up. Having admitted in the past that I was a compulsive overeater, I thought I could possibly let go of some of my favorite foods. I had abstained from a lot of them for a few years, only to introduce them slowly back into my life. I had attended OA meetings for a while and stayed close to the Twelve Steps through other meetings and seemed to do okay.

I shared my thoughts about letting go of those foods with my grown kids only to hear laughter and my daughter saying, “Uh oh, crying days are ahead for Momma.”

I planned to start my food plan the next day, and when I awoke the next morning with my plans, it seemed like an ordinary adventure. I began the day with thankfulness to God, but as I started going through the motions, I suddenly saw clearly that I am a food addict, one of those addicts I had been praying for. I embraced this realization with tears, relief, and reaching out by phone to another member with a strong program. I became aware that my life was unmanageable.

I am so thankful for the Internet. I found podcasts on all the Steps at oa.org/podcasts/, and I listened to the first one about “step zero.” The information was really clear. I understood that I have a disease that tells me I don’t have a disease and that relief will come as I stop fighting it. I always had the mindset that weight indicates self-worth, but I heard in the podcast that some people are more heavy than miserable and others more miserable than heavy.

The next morning I awoke early, and before I could move a limb, it felt like pure God consciousness. I could see myself clearly as an addict. I thought of our mantra “just for today” because in that moment even “one day at a time” seemed too hard. But I knew I could start with being willing, just for today, to put down the food and write out a plan for the day regardless of what else I understood about my disease.

God has always blessed me with music that relates to what I’m going through at the time. The song I’ve been humming says, “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone . . . wonder if she’s gone to stay.” I didn’t know it, but I’d been gone from who I really am. For today, the sunshine has returned because I have succumbed to who I really am, and I’m praying for the grace to work the program so I never have to leave again.

— Michelle C., Louisiana USA