Surrender for Freedom

I felt fat from the time I was in kindergarten. Though only slightly heavier than other girls, I was obsessed with my size. I always daydreamed of returning from summer vacation magically thin, suddenly popular, and beloved.

As my disease progressed, it morphed through an all-consuming cycle of binge eating, dieting, and exercise bulimia—of self-loathing and self-punishment. After ten years of this hell, I found Overeaters Anonymous and began my long journey of many surrenders.

I started with surrendering the idea that I could “get over” my food problem with a quick fix and never have to deal with it again. That surrender took a long time, but now I have no problem with the fact that I have to keep coming back to OA. I get to keep coming back!

Next, I needed to surrender my bingeing absolutely. At first, I only thought to surrender my daily binges and the negative emotional and physical effects of bingeing. But after many starts, stops, and relapses, I learned I also needed to completely surrender the idea that it would ever be an option to binge again. For a time, I also had to surrender certain foods that seemed to smooth the path toward that destruction.

Once I surrendered bingeing and became abstinent for two and a half years, I realized there was yet more to surrender: my body. I hadn’t suffered the pain of overeating since beginning my abstinence, so I thought I was in the clear! I was thinner than ever and felt great. But I was controlling my weight by micromanaging my intake. This was not compatible with the freedom and complete surrender modeled by my sponsor. I realized I would have to surrender to my HP all control of my body—weight, shape, and size. I accomplished this by giving up my bathroom scale, my kitchen scale, and all my controlling food behaviors.

My weight is now in God’s hands. I focus my energy on maintaining abstinence from bingeing, overeating, and controlling. I trust that my body will settle at the weight my HP determines for me. This surrender requires honesty and lots of willingness, but its freedom is beyond my wildest imagination. I have been completely abstinent for three years now and maintain a healthy, stable weight of God’s choosing. “Our Invitation to You” (Overeaters Anonymous, Third Edition, p. 3) says it best: “The more total our surrender, the more fully realized our freedom from food obsession.”

— F.H.N., Wisconsin USA