Outsourcing

“In OA we learn that a lack of willpower isn’t what makes us compulsive overeaters. In fact, compulsive overeaters often exhibit an exceptional amount of willpower. But compulsive eating is an illness that cannot be controlled by willpower” (The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 1).

For more years than I care to remember, I could not allow myself to accept that compulsive eating is an illness that cannot be controlled by willpower. I had the illusion that I was a superwoman. After all, I ran a business with my husband, mothered four busy children, and was active in our church. Does that not describe a woman of willpower?

I’m also the second oldest of seven siblings. Growing up, I was so used to helping and having so many responsibilities that I thought this is just how life is. I was also told I could do anything I put my mind to, so I grew up thinking everything was up to me.

I was in the second grade when I realized I was fat. Kids laughed at me because the buttons over my stomach popped open. This was my earliest memory of feeling different and ashamed. In seventh grade, a doctor told me I was obese. I didn’t know what that meant, but I cried because it didn’t sound good. He gave me pills to control my eating, and off I went into a lifetime of dieting and frustration. The pills didn’t work and neither did the hypnotist, the diet doctors, the diet clubs, or surgery. I hated myself. I thought God must not like me. And what happened to all my willpower? What was wrong?

Thank God for Overeaters Anonymous. Here, I didn’t feel different; I felt accepted. But it was still hard to accept that my overeating was a disease. I thought that was just an excuse fat people used. It took years for me to realize that compulsive eating is a disease and no amount of willpower can do me any good. I realized using willpower is like trying to blow-dry my hair while the dryer is unplugged from its power source! Finally—demoralized, miserable, and depressed—I came to believe I could not control my obsession with eating, but that God could. This was my acceptance.

Next came action. I had to get a sponsor, follow a food plan, read literature, go to meetings, make telephone calls, give service, and then— wonder of wonders— God did remove my compulsion, one day at a time. I was finally plugged into God, my Power Source.

Some of this may sound so basic, but I had to begin at the beginning many times until I truly believed—not just in my head, but also in my gut: I alone could not control this disease, but God could.

Today, “first things first” is a mantra for me to continue taking Step One. My serenity in this program hinges on how honestly and wholeheartedly I plug into my Power Source.

— L.