New Life Blooming

I am a 21-year-old college student and a recovering anorexic, bulimic, and compulsive eater. I’ve been in OA for almost a year and recently got a sponsor to help me work the Twelve Steps. I’ve been in treatment for my eating disorders and that is where I discovered OA. I wrote a poem about my recovery, and my sponsor suggested I send it to Lifeline. Thank you for this opportunity.

Living my life in my eating disorder
Is a slow and painful death.
The consequences take a while to show,
Leading to the path of last breath.

As a 14-year-old girl in high school,
Comfortable with self I was not:
I needed to escape my depression and pain,
So I figured I’d give it a shot.

My soul felt rather possessed,
Thoughts colliding too fast to think.
Before I could process the feelings,
Fingers in throat and food in the sink.

My eyes were puffy and teary,
Yet I felt an odd sense of relief.
I tried to entertain this idea,
But it was surreal; I was in disbelief.

I called my best friend to tell her.
Complete silence, then she hung up the phone.
I scared her to death; she was shocked.
My disease and I were alone.

I sat on my bed in a daze,
And eventually began to cry.
I didn’t know if I should be scared or excited.
Wait, what? Did this happen? God, why?

Here I am seven years later,
An adult, 21 years old.
Yes, I still struggle today,
But I’m pushing and never will fold.

Two treatment centers I went through,
figuring the demon would disappear,
But each time I left that hospital,
I was faced with myself, and in fear

Last year I discovered a solution,
But it was spiritual, which pushed me away.
The Twelve Steps of OA confused me,
Making it harder for me to stay.

Thank you, God, for the willingness to return
To the OA program instead of the sink.
This disease is cunning and baffling,
It kills as quick as a blink.

September 6 was the last day I purged.
I will never forget that night.
My disease has held on for eight years,
Putting up an extremely strong fight.

It stripped away my ability to feel.
I was numb, never able to grow.
So now I have to relearn how to live,
Picking up from age 14 or so.

Today my life is painted with joy:
Bright colors. Dark times moving out.
My slips are fewer and farther apart
I’m filled with hope, said goodbye to doubt.

So long, disease, farewell and goodbye.
I know you will try to return,
For while I’m recovering, you are doing push-ups.
Your hard work is starting to burn.

Denying my truth leads me straight to destruction,
So I accept that you’ll always be here.
But thank God for my amazing recovery:
You’re in the distance, and now God is near.

The path I walk I did not create.
It’s the work of my loving Higher Power.
I can’t wait for the promises to come true in my life,
While it blooms like a new baby flower.

— Hannah C., Illinois USA