Waking Up

I walked into OA because all I could see before me was cycles and cycles of weight gain and loss, misery and short-lived false joy. I had to admit I did not want to live. I could not see the point of anything, and my only desire was to sleep or not be conscious because even excess sugar could not numb me.

In OA, I found fellows sharing feelings just like this and describing my life but referring to their own. It wasn’t a mirror image, but pretty darn close. No share has ever made me think, “No I don’t get that. No, I can’t relate to that.” But I notice no judging in the rooms, only acceptance and a knowing look. There is love and understanding—I can literally feel it. We are all equal. Though we may be on different distances along our journeys, length of time abstinent is no protector. It’s always just for today. The effect of a longer journey may be more visible, but the method is the same for everyone.

In OA, I have found a place to be me, to be honest. There would be no point in going if I could not be this way. I have started to feel good about myself at times. I have lost a little weight and look forward to meetings. At them, I can feel my Higher Power and the love in the room.

Today, I want to learn to help others and be like my abstinent fellows. I want to get up in the morning and call my sponsor, and I want to do my Step work. This is still something alien to me. I would normally treat such things as a bind and try to rush through, but I can feel these things helping me. I’m learning something new every day about myself, my HP, and OA. I’m waking up, and I want to be awake. Again, it’s alien to me.

A Higher Power to me is the creator of all things: breathing me, healing me, engineering every cell in my body to behave as it should. It is kindness, support, healing, strength, forgiveness and knowledge of all. It’s the director. It’s love.

Could what I have found in OA have emanated from me? Absolutely not. I was lost, down, and struggling. I have tried for five decades to do in various ways what OA is allowing me to learn and feel, and it’s not coming from me for sure. It’s from our collective, the force amongst us, the love, the knowledge, the understanding which I believe comes through us from our HP as we each understand him. It didn’t happen before, because I got in the way.

— M.S.