Home Relapse No-Apologies “Carefrontation”

No-Apologies “Carefrontation”

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Is there anything more heartbreaking than listening to and watching people in program who simply can’t seem to get and stay abstinent? Day after day, month after month, they show up at meetings, but the gift of abstinence eludes them.

Compulsive eaters can become so physically sick that they will swear off the abuse for a little while, but a temporary respite may be only a lull before the next storm. When their bodies recover enough, the assault begins all over again. Even worse, chronic slippers can be so hypersensitive that, just when they most need assistance, they interpret the concerned efforts of others as criticism or judgment. Rather than face the humiliation of their circumstances, many just recede into the background, continuing to do the same things while expecting different results.

I decided to write this article because I am sometimes perceived as too blunt in challenging people who might be having trouble with their physical recovery. But if I saw someone in a burning car, I’d pull them to safety; if my doing so caused them to be slightly injured, I’d be willing to live with that if the overall result was good. I don’t see value in mincing words when a person’s life is on the line. Last year, we watched one of our own die as the disease ravaged her in plain sight. I experienced what I hope was some shared guilt, feeling that I (we) may not have done enough to make a difference.

I have seen people in dire straits who, when treated with complete acceptance, compassion, love, and understanding, show absolutely no improvement whatsoever. Sometimes, I’m given the choice of possibly offending or eliciting anger from someone versus standing by for fear of upsetting them; but they’re already upset and hurting themselves, so I choose the former. If even one person I offend becomes abstinent, it’s worth it to have five or ten others upset with me while they still struggle six months or a year later.

Long ago, I heard in program, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” Confrontation is usually something we studiously avoid, but sometimes “carefrontation”—and an attempt to reinforce the essential value of using the Tools and Steps to avoid backsliding—can be a chronic slipper’s last, best hope. When we can all come together and realize the value of helping others, even by taking what may appear to be extreme measures, then maybe we can do a better job of convincing those who still struggle that, regardless of method, we come from a place of caring.

“Carefrontation” comes from a desire to see people find what many of us have already been given: long-term, contented abstinence. Helping others attain abstinence is something for which we should never have to apologize.

— Neil R., Baltimore, Maryland USA

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