Once I’ve Started

I have been in program for twenty-seven years. When it comes to using a food plan, I used to have rules for what to eat, what not to eat, how much to eat, when to pray, and more. But I’ve found that the more I complicate my food plan, the more loopholes appear for my disease to discover and exploit. So now I just follow one simple rule of thumb: I cannot make any decisions about what to eat once I’ve started eating, except for the decision of when to stop.

This gives me wonderful flexibility in the contents of my meals. With the exception of one trigger food that I’ve eliminated, I can eat anything at all. But I can’t have any flexibility about the borders of my meals. I have to know what the last bite will be before I take the first bite, because I accept that once I’ve begun to eat, I don’t make sane choices about adding food. And that’s how a binge starts.

In practice, I put my meal on the table and ask my Higher Power to help me eat it in an abstinent way. I can stop eating at any point, but if I get to the end of a planned meal and think, “I’d love to have just a little X,” I tell myself, “Nope, you should have thought of it before. You can have it as part of your next meal.” If I still want X when I’m planning the next meal, I feel fine about including it, but often I just feel relieved I didn’t eat it.

This food plan lets me be flexible, loving, and generous with myself, so long as I am also rigorously honest. Without this combination of generosity and honesty, I would fall back into using diets, cheating myself, and self-hating.

It feels incredibly good to end a meal cleanly. I get a surge of gratitude every time— for the meal, for the sanity, and for this program that has given me back my life.

—Anya, Santa Cruz, California USA