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Grace-Full Breakup

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I never thought I could or would even be willing to have an abstinent holiday season, but by the grace of God and what I’ve learned in this Fellowship over the past year, I did. Not that I didn’t gaze lovingly at some of my binge foods, but at each moment I had a choice to make: the choice between living with real hope for recovery or going back to the old way of medicating emotions with food.

When I gave up my binge foods, it was like the very painful breakup of an unhealthy, addictive relationship. I longed for my binge foods. I dreamed of them. The smell of them would bring me to tears. It was only through the suggestion of other OA members to use the Tools that I made it through that first detox period. The cravings lessened, and the fond looks I gave those items, which were everywhere from television ads to other people’s lunches to store displays, became briefer and less wistful.

Then the really hard part started. Without “medication,” I had to feel my real feelings. I really do have feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and shame. I really am lonely and want friendships with women. I really do regret some of the past, and I can no longer shut the door on it. I really do need a new relationship with God and even a new understanding of God, now that I am free of my drug, my lover, my friend, and my companion.

I began working the Steps with a sponsor and came to see these Steps as an expression of God’s wisdom and grace. I see how blessed I am, even in the middle of pain, or growing pains, to have God’s direction given by human voices through the members of Overeaters Anonymous, from his heart to mine.

Abstinence has led to the journey of a lifetime, and today, by the grace of God, I choose to continue.

— Edited and reprinted from The Transformation newsletter, Central Ohio Service Intergroup, January 2009

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