Showing Up Imperfect

I remember when I first started coming to OA meetings. I felt like people were looking at me differently, like they knew I was new and ignorant of their “OA ways.” I felt like an outsider. They spoke in a different way and had so much self-awareness. I only knew how to talk about the food, not emotions or the spiritual side of things. I felt really self-conscious after every time I shared, wondering if what I’d said offended people.

During my first year in OA, I wasn’t working the Steps or using the Tools—I truly was not willing to do the work. But eventually, I found the gift of desperation during a two-week binge, when I rapidly gained 15 pounds (7 kg). As the number on the scale climbed, I descended to a scary place, physically and mentally. This desperation pushed me out of my complacency and into action: I found a sponsor, and we started doing Step work. It was only after I started doing the work that I realized just how wrong I’d been about the people in OA.

That whole first year when I had shown up imperfectly, they’d shown love and understanding, not judgement. When I barely showed up, they’d still let me share for the allotted three minutes. Even though I wasn’t doing the work at all and it wasn’t even clear to me that I wasn’t sharing any recovery, they still engaged with me. They listened and made eye contact. I’ve realized since that, even when I was barely there, I still belonged in OA.

Now that I’m working the Steps, I not only know I belong in OA, I also know that sometimes the things I share in meetings can help another person feel less alone, or offer a new perspective on their struggles. It’s a service to put my behind in a seat at a meeting. It’s a service to share recovery, and it’s a service to listen with love and without judgement.

“The only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively” (Tradition Three), not an ability—but it’s good if you got that too! I’m grateful that I finally “identify in” and can share both the struggle and the recovery. For the first time in my life, I finally feel as though I belong somewhere, and it feels so good to provide that feeling of belonging to others as well.

— Debbie, Washington D.C. USA